In May I decided to start my own garden in the backyard. A “homemaker’s task” was one of my belittling views about it. I found in my desire of wanting to do it; made me question my how much of a feminist I was. -Career and Home balance has always been something I struggle with. But that’s another story.- Nonetheless sticking to my decision, I finally started today my garden today… (2 months later)
If I had to express why it took me 2 months to begin, here are a few superfluous excuses…
- I am a teacher and always bring work home. (It might never make it out of the car though)
- I work hard on my down time to achieve my dreams. (Dreams can come true… They can happen to you)
- I suffered new kinds of loss this year and needed some downtime to process them. (See to live is to suffer but, to survive…Well that’s to find meaning in the suffering. -DMX’s version of the quote suits me more.)
- I’m been traveling! For work, for pleasure, for no reason at all. (Packing and unpacking is very time consuming.)
- More so than all those things, I hold the torch that helps light the way for so many people. I allow myself to be their vessel… (Even though it drains me)
That last bulletpoint is probably the real reason it’s taken me 2 months to start gardening. With all the emotional support I was willingly give to others… I didn’t think I could grow…In all meanings of that sentence…
To touch upon one… For a long time I figured, ‘This person will finally get it and learn to support me, the same way I support them’. Or I thought ‘I’ll meet someone new that if allow me to share my joys and rants’…. I guess these are the notations of an idealist.
If only I had realized 2 (or 6 … or 20) months ago…that I’m not just an idea or a force of positive centricity. Nor am I limited to be a doer for everyone but, myself. (I’m dramatic but, correct)
Better late than never they say… So today I’m planting! See I get it now… I can plant sunflowers seeds and use them to light my own path. In all meanings of that sentence.
And how fitting… Especially when I really had my heart set on planting tomatoes. Lol… but there is no need to turn this into a rant about supply and demand. Let’s focus on this one triumph and acknowledge the fact that I grew.
The following is an excerpt from my was writing in my journal.
“So I can’t make pancakes.
The very thought of holding the box gives me chills…”